Beers of The World

Best Beers for Beer Pong   by Brian Gallo

Welcome Beer Pong and Cups players to your choices for the Best Beer for your game. Below are the beverages you choose to host your games because frankly you can’t afford anything else. But this isn’t wine tasting, we are going for sheer volume as quickly as possible. The listed acronym “ABV” (Alcohol By Volume) is what portion of the total volume of liquid is alcohol. Basically, as this number increases your ability to act as a functional and sane human being decreases. So if you do not want people head-diving over the table, vomiting, or passing out perhaps a lower ABV is more accommodating. Whatever your game, choose wisely, cause your buying.

Budweiser
Manufacturer: Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
Taste: Who cares, have you Goggled Germany’s bar maids, I’m ok with the merger. Utah, Kansas
ABV: 5%
Cost Per 12-Pack: $12.99

Less stellar versions of Budweiser are distributed in Utah, Kansas, Oklahoma, Minnesota and Colorado which caps alcohol content at 3.4%, time to move. Budweiser, the King of Beers, go America! Oh wait, sorry, go Belgium and Brazil. The American Beer king sold its throne to the great empires of Germany and Brazil, to a company called InBev. Don’t fret, just remember the three frogs and chameleons Bud, Weis, and Er. Nostalgia will have you shedding 5% alcoholic tears in no time, that is, unless you live in one of the aforementioned states.

Bud Light
Manufacturer: Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
Taste: Worse than Budweiser but you feel better because it only has 110 calories.
ABV: 4.2%

Cost Per 12-Pack: $12.99

Are you are Real Man of Genius? If you are, Anheuser thinks you should be shot-gunning Bud Light so you stop acting less like a genius and more like a jackass. Bud Light is part of the vegan beer clan that avoids using animal byproducts or genetically engineered rice. Choosing Bud Light means not only are you a real man of genius but a concerned activist for environmental and animal rights, and you’re doing this inebriated.

Coors Light
Manufacturer: Coors Brewing Company
Taste: If it came down between a martini and a silver bullet, I’d take the bullet.
ABV: 4.2%
Cost Per 12-Pack: $12.99

Werewolves fear the Silver Bullet but you drink it by the dozen. However, the innovation is not so much in the beer but the Cold Certified can. This handy can turns the mountains on the label white to blue when the beverage reaches four degrees Celsius or less, awesome. If that’s not cool enough for you, the largest free standing beer can structure consists of only Coors cans at 315 feet tall. Werewolves beware.

Miller Lite
Manufacturer: Miller Brewing Company
Taste: Don’t expect too much from a company that misspelled “light”.
ABV: 4.17%
Cost Per 12-Pack: $12.99

Without Miller our society would be deprived of one of the most important series of laws in existence, the man laws. Only the manliest of men discerned these laws, like Oscar de la Hoya, Carey Hart, Jim Kelly and Burt Reynolds who dedicated there precious time answering complexities like “When toasting with beer, should you clink with the top or the bottom of the bottle?” Answer: “The Bottom, because clinking the top would swap saliva and thus qualify as kissing”. Without these answers men all over the world would be mistakenly engaging in questionable acts without every knowing it.

Natural Light
Manufacturer: Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
Taste: Looks, tastes, smells, and goes down like water.
ABV: 4.2%
Cost Per 12-Pack: $7.99

Often confused with water, Natural light has been a part of our life since its inception in ‘77. It took bronze in the 2008 Olympics of Beer Competition and often steals gold as the first beer of choice to adorn all custom beer pong tables.

Busch Light
Manufacturer: Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
Taste: Remember where focusing on cost more than taste.
ABV: 4.2%
Cost Per 12-Pack: $8.99

Anheuser loved this product so much that they awarded it part of the company’s name. You have to love a company that spent millions of dollars on colossal tourist traps to get you to drink their beer, ever heard of Busch Gardens or Sea World? With Sea World’s killer whales educating the public on the term “killer whale”, maybe a Busch Light is the safer option.

Miller Genuine Draft
Manufacturer: Miller Brewing Company
Taste: It will put in you Alcoholic’s Anonymous.
ABV: 4.66%
Cost Per 12-Pack: $12.99

If you wondering why you can’t stop pounding MDG look no further than iconic cigarette producer, Phillip Morris. The tobacco company enjoyed filling your lungs so much it moved to the stomach in the form of beer in 1969 and relinquished ownership in 2002. So if you’re looking to quit smoking and the patch isn’t helping, pick up MGD, every drop has a little love from Morris in it.

Miller High Life
Manufacturer: Miller Brewing Company
Taste: Probably the best tasting on this list, though that’s not saying much.
ABV: 5.0%
Cost Per 12-Pack: $12.99

The Champagne of Beers has been kicking rear since 1903 and is Miller’s oldest brand. This beer will make your beer pong tables look like fine furniture and you a wealthier person. Beer pong tables love this fine pilsner and so will your intoxicated friends.

Michelob Light
Manufacturer: Anheuser-Busch, Inc.
Taste: Michelob Light wasn’t cool enough for Lance Armstrong, maybe Ultra is better.
ABV: 4.3%
Cost Per 12-Pack: $12.99

Anheauser seems to be placing so much time and effort into Michelob Ultra that Light has taken a back seat. Maybe if Armstrong sponsored Light, he would not have fallen.

Pabst Blue Ribbon
Manufacturer: Pabst Brewing Co.
Taste: Rivals High Life but cheaper, enough said.
ABV: 4.74%
Cost Per 12-Pack: $8.99

Like all really cool beers you don’t order Pabst by its full name, you ask for a PBR. Not only is it cost efficient but Pabst has a superhero mascot aptly name “PBR Girl”. Not cool enough, its name is featured in the title of a song by Johnny Russell titled “Rednecks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer”. Still not impressed? Clint Eastwood guzzles the Blue Ribbon while handing out free backhands in Gran Torino. Still not impressed? Drink a cosmopolitan.

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